Episode 4 Articles

An issue that many parents find especially frustrating is having a teenager who exhibits an attitude of entitlement. Scottsdale Pediatric Behavioral Services owner and clinical director, Dr. Jacob Boney, consistently hears parents complain that their child is “just so entitled and spoiled that they think they deserve everything and don’t appreciate anything”.  These parents are often at the end of their patience and looking for guidance in getting rid of that kind of behavior and somehow turning their teen into a caring and considerate person.

One of the first points that Dr. Boney makes is that it is incorrect to look at this as a subjective kind of value-based parenting issue when, in reality, caring, empathy and consideration for others are very much behavioral skills. The good news is, as such, the issue of entitlement can be addressed just like any behavior.

The best time to start, of course, is early in the child’s life, but, whatever the current age, the place to begin is with emphasizing a good work ethic. Years of experience have shown that what the most entitled, spoiled and unappreciative teenagers have in common is that they see no connection between what they do and what they have. They are used to having things given to them and getting what they want for free. This results in their not recognizing the value of those things they do have.

Parents can start by reassuring the teen that, as the parents, they are going to provide what is needed, but, if something special or extra is wanted, like an upgraded cell phone, a new video game or a better car, then it is going to have to be earned. This is where it is made clear that those things are valuable, that they cost us as parents and should cost the teen something, also. The cost could be managed by way of chores, grades or exceptional behavior that was previously discussed as an incentive.  Provide options as a way of giving the child some level of control in the process but remain consistent about not giving anything beyond the basics for free.

Make sure that all the extra special things your teen has access to are linked to the most important behaviors that you’re trying to get. A lot of times parents get in trouble because they try to treat all of their children the same or are trying to be fair. This is counterproductive. You cannot treat all behaviors equally. If you want better behavior, then you must be willing to withhold rewards when you are getting below average or just normal behavior.

It is important to minimize arguing and negotiating as much as possible. This gives the child a feeling of being equal to the parent. Many teens feel that, if the parents have some level of success, somehow that successes belongs to them, also, and constant bickering back-and-forth or having an equal opinion or say in making decisions reinforces that. Don’t allow that mindset to be a part of the home environment.  There are times when a parent needs to say that this is a decision that was made for this reason, and we are not going to argue about it. These are your options, so pick the one that works best for you.

Allowing your child to have control over certain variables provides an opportunity to prove competence and improved decision making skills. Choose something that you are comfortable with, something that will help them practice managing control effectively. Be very encouraging and reward them when doing something that is of service to others. Make that a big deal and consider planning events where you do those sort of activities with your teen. Doing that will help take your teen outside of themselves and begin to look at the world from the perspective of the needs of others.  

Utilizing evidence based practices and the scientific principles of Applied Behavior Analysis, the Scottsdale Pediatric Behavioral Services team provides assessment, treatment and consultation for a wide range of behavioral issues. We work with a variety of children, families, schools, hospitals, mental health agencies and local community organizations to provide these services.  If you have any questions about how to help guide an entitled teen or would like more information about any of the services offered by our team, please feel free to contact us by phone at 480.410.4040, email us at [email protected], or click here for our convenient online form.

Parents often come to Dr. Jacob Boney, Scottsdale Pediatric Behavioral Services owner and clinical director, seeking help with a child that is so difficult that the parent believes that it must be their own fault, that their parenting skills or lack thereof must be the problem. In an effort to reassure and assist these and other parents with the same concerns, Dr. Boney explains what is really going on with these children and how to more effectively address it.

Difficult children may exhibit a much wider range of emotions than other children. The highs and lows may seem more extreme. They often have a lot of emotional shifts during the day and show a lack of ability to self-regulate. Basically, what we are seeing with these behaviors are children who are more sensitive and more responsive to their environment. This makes them much more sensitive to parenting styles.   

Parenting Styles

There are two basic styles of parenting; positive and negative. A positive parenting style makes more use of reinforcement and praise and is relational-based. The negative style of parenting is a bit more punitive, more aversive. The parent may use punishment and confrontation in response to negative behaviors.

Children with difficult temperaments benefit more from positive parenting and suffer more from negative parenting. The value of this to parents is that you can adjust your parenting style accordingly to make them more receptive. It is important for parents to understand that this is not something that they should take personally, which many do.  According to Dr. Bonney, these kids are so attuned to the environment around them that every little thing that the parent does or doesn’t do can drastically change that child’s response or behavior in that moment. So, it’s not that parents are doing everything wrong, it’s just that, with these kids, you have to do almost everything right. And that takes developing effective skills.

Parenting a Difficult Child

Dr. Boney wants to make it very clear that it is never about having a sick or broken child. And it is definitely not about having a bad child.

“I will tell you, after all my years in behavioral consultation, I can honestly tell you that I have not once met what I consider to be a bad child. I have met children who are responding to inconsistent or bad environments, certainly, but I have never met a bad child.”

The goal is to move past thinking that there is blame to place, either on the child or the parent and, instead, focus on getting on track to doing everything consistently right and well. One things that is especially important is for parents to have the confidence that they have the skills, resources and tools to manage whatever kind of behavior their child exhibits. Some children require a more tailored and expert approach that includes the ability to prevent behavior, to manage behavior and to redirect behavior it in almost any environment and under almost any condition.

It’s not about having a bad child or being a bad parent: it’s about children responding to their environment. Children, and adults as well, are shaped by conditioning. Behavior is purely a product of what is going on in the environment, and when you design an optimal environment and are doing your best as a parent, you are going to get consistently better behavior. Confident parents know that they have the skills and ability to guide and manage their child’s environment in almost any situation and express that their child is a good child who just makes some bad choices. They recognize that their child requires a particular style of parenting.

Developing these types of behavioral skills requires practice, just like with everything else. Children who are overly sensitive to their environment just require more practice. It is important to take advantage of every difficult moment and see it as a learning opportunity. When children learn the skills required to replace difficult behavior with appropriate behavior and learn that this consistently gets them what they want, their behavior will get better. Just remember that it’s not about perfection. It’s about consistent improvement.

Parents who feel like they do not have confidence in the skills necessary to guide their child are encouraged to consult with a behavioral professional. This will help put them on track to make sure that they are maximizing the environment to consistently bring about the best behavior and to not support and sustain the behavior that is not wanted.

Utilizing evidence based practices and the scientific principles of Applied Behavior Analysis, the Scottsdale Pediatric Behavioral Services team provides assessment, treatment and consultation for a wide range of behavioral issues. We work with a variety of children, families, schools, hospitals, mental health agencies and local community organizations to provide these services.  If you have any questions about parenting skills or would like more information about any of the services offered by our team, please feel free to contact us by phone at 480.410.4040, email us at [email protected], or click here for our convenient online form.